Birthmom Blogs: Why I chose adoption
The decision to place my son for adoption was one of the toughest choices I have ever made. However, once I made the decision, God reaffirmed it in significant ways. My decision was driven by a lack of resources – not just financial, but emotional and spiritual as well. I’ll explain in reverse.
The four years leading up to my pregnancy were the toughest years of my life. It started when a guy took advantage of me on three separate occasions and I started to believe I had no voice and no worth. My life after that felt like a charade as I tried to keep up the appearance that everything was okay, but on the inside, I was nit-picking every little thing and I blamed myself for the abuse. About six months before I conceived I started to go to therapy and realized the extent of how broken I really was primarily due to the reality of what had happened.
By the time I found out I was pregnant, all of the identities I was living under had vanished and I was left broken, vulnerable, and quite honestly really mad at God. I found myself asking him “why?!” almost every day. For the record, I wasn’t asking why I was pregnant because that was clear, but why did these bad things happen to me? Why didn’t He protect me? But after God spoke to my heart in the midst of the pregnancy I stopped asking “why?”, I trusted Him with what was next.
I realized that I was processing a lot of heavy stuff and I knew that I tend to wear my emotions on my face. The absolute last thing I wanted was for my son to look at me in a moment where I was processing a pain from my past and think he was to blame. See, I learned early on in the journey that guilt means “I made a mistake”, and shame means “I am a mistake”. The way I saw it: I can live with the guilt. I can do my best and surrender it to God; but, my son has absolutely no reason to live with one ounce of shame in his life. But I was still worried about how people would perceive me if I made an adoption plan for my son, and I wondered if I would have enough strength to do so. Then I started looking at the costs of parenting and holy smokes, infants are expensive! I knew my family would help me out any way they could, but I’m fairly independent. The more I crunched the numbers and thought about the potential plans for bringing a baby boy into our lives, the more my anxiety would skyrocket.
However, when I thought about adoption this peace would wash over me. Now, after entrusting my baby to a wonderful family of my choice, I have had the opportunity to iron out the issues of my past, to grieve in a healthy way, and to process all that has happened to me and reconnect with Jesus. On top of all that my child is in a financially stable home with a couple who love Jesus and each other, and who have the calling on their life to raise this sweet boy to know the love of Jesus.
What more could I ask for?
-Laura, Lifeline Birthmom